A Parody of Soul Bonds
by Diresquirrel
Summary: Harry and Hermione decide to make a soul bond, despite not really knowing what they are doing. Horlarity ensues (portmanteau of "Horror" and "Hilarity"). This short story is not to be taken seriously.


"Harry," Hermione asked.

"What's up?"

"Well, I think I've found a way to help you fight against Voldemort," she replied, holding open a book she'd held onto from Grimmauld Place. "It's a ritual that allows us to combine our knowledge and magical power. You'd know everything I do and I'd know everything you do. I could spend my time learning and you'd have it right away."

"That sounds pretty good," Harry admitted, wouldn't hurt his grades either. He was glad she wasn't holding the potions book thing against him. "What's this ritual called?"

"It's a Soul Bond," she replied, pushing the book in front of him. "Start here."

He glanced over the old hand written pages, struggling through the pre-standardization spelling as he caught the basic meaning. "Let's do it!"

"It's really easy, we should be done tonight since it's a new moon," Hermione explained with a smile.

Ginny Weasley wasn't a happy girl. Not at all. Not only was her soon-to-be boyfriend (or rather her "Boy-Who-Lived-Friend") paying way too much attention to that Granger hussy, but her brother wasn't being helpful at all. All he did was eat and suck face with Lav-Lav in the common room. This wouldn't do.

She'd had her plan in mind for a while. All she had to do was get Harry alone and show that she was a girl. She'd flash a little extra skin, maybe shake her bum a little. She knew it would work. Didn't take long for her to have the right opportunity. She'd spotted him and Granger leaving to go do something and Granger went off to do some prefect thing. Perfect.

"Harry?" she asked in a innocent voice after she found him in a deserted hallway. The boy in question looked at her. She was disappointed by the lack of emotional reaction. Maybe she should have unbuttoned another button and not worn a bra. Weeelll, she could just take it off and try again. "I was wondering where you were?"

"We are right here," Harry replied.

"Yes, yes we are," Ginny replied with a sly smile. She slid up to Harry for a moment so their bodies were just barely not touching. "I was worried, you were gone so long."

She looked up, and realized something wasn't right. Harry Potter's emerald eyes were still green, but they seemed to have an unnatural tinge to them. She was about to step away, afraid that he was under some kind of magical compulsion, when the boy grabbed her wrists. She tried to pull away, only to find Granger behind her, the older girl's hands pressing into her back to prevent escape. The girl was just as blank faced as Harry.

"What are you doing?"

"_We are Bond_," the two said together. It was perfect unison, as if she was hearing one person. "_We will add your magical and biological distinctiveness to our own._" Both their eyes flashed green. "_Lower your resistances and prepare to be Bonded. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile._"

Ginny didn't even have time to scream as Harry Potter's lips fell on hers. She could feel herself losing its cohesion, its individuality as the Soul Bond took over. "_Resistance is Futile. You will be assimilated,_" she heard in her head. It was not loud, it simply WAS. _"Your magic will adapt to service __**ours**__."_

She fought, but the voice was right. After only a few short minutes, she was no longer Ginny Weasley.

She was Bond.

Far away from Hogwarts, the creature formerly known as Tom Riddle lay in bed hugging his pet snake as dreams played across his mindscape. The scaly kind of man was in the room formerly occupied by his Malfoy minions, and he'd promptly taken it over, since the Dark Lord obviously deserved the best bed in the house. And since the mattress and pillows were all filled with Veela down, the rarest of all comforts, it only made sense for Voldemort to take it over.

He'd been ready for a lie in and a good nap while he surreptitiously delved into Potter's memories once more. While the boy had been clever to throw him out at the Ministry, that kind of righteous rage burns itself out quite quickly. He planned to spend some time tormenting the boy's dreams, warping them into nightmares. He opened up the link and suddenly, he was not where he expected to be.

Fog clung to the world. Hogwarts stood stark against an unnatural green sky. The walls were black, lined with channels of power and faces that no longer had any meaning. Lights flashed through Potter's mindscape, a shade of green that still haunted Voldemort to the day, even now after his resurrection; the same shade as Potter's eyes; the last color Voldemort saw before his discorporation. Voldemort tried to search through the pieces of the place to find Potter's darkest fears, but suddenly, the creature voted most feared Dark Lord '72-'76 and again from '95-Present, finally pushing out that stupid Vader guy, was surrounded. They were faces that might have at one point been individuals, but had been morphed into some combination of multiple people.

"_We are Bond,_" they said in unison, countless voices speaking at once without inflection or emotion. "_You will be assimilated. We will add you magical and biological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is Futile._"

Those eyes seemed to bore into his soul as the piercing green orbs centered on the Dark Lord.

"_Your magic will adapt,_" the voices repeated, "_to service __**ours**__._"

Voldemort tried to pull out, but found his path in filled with drones. Their eyes flashed green as they came out of the fog. The mental form of the yew wand flew to the Dark Lord's hand and spells flew from end, hitting the closest drones.

"_Resistance,"_ the voices said again, _"is Futile._"

The ones in front fell, but they kept marching closer and closer. More and more fell, only for the spells to stop working, fizzling up against some magical wall. He switched to other spells, which worked for a short time before they too became horrifically ineffective.

"_You will be __**Bond**__._"

After a battle of wills unlike anything the creature formally know as Tom Riddle had experienced, the scaly man woke up in a cold sweat. His chest heaved up and down as he tried to process what he just saw.

"My Lord!" Bellatrix said, worriedly hovering about his bed, not even flinching as he saw the fear in her Master's eyes. "Are you alright?"

"No," Voldemort admitted. "Potter just made a Soul Bond!"

"No!" Bellatrix gasped in horror. "No, he wouldn't go that far. He's Dumbledore's boy, he wouldn't do that."

Voldemort just simply shook his head in fear. "No, Bella, I fear Hogwarts has already fallen. I don't doubt Hogsmeade is next. Gather everything you can, I'll call the others. We're leaving Britain."

"Really?" Bella asked.

"We've lost, Bella, but we still retain our individuality," Voldemort replied as he hurriedly flashed his wand. "I only hope he hasn't got Severus."

"But the Unbreakable Vow-"

"Means nothing against the combined magical might of a Soul Bond!" Voldemort replied. His eyes were filled with fear as he realized anyone he summoned could already be infected. "On second though, screw them all. You and me, we're leaving right now. Tijuana sounds good, I think only the Occlumency boosting power of the mind blanking draught can save us now."

"Mind Blanking Draught?" asked a worried Bellatrix.

"Muggles call it Tequila," Voldemort explained as he tapped his wand on the bedpost. "Portus!"

He grabbed Bellatrix by the wrist and the Veela down bed/portkey in his other hand, and they were gone. He might have lost Britain, but he wasn't about to give up a good night's sleep.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I own neither Harry Potter, nor Star Trek, which some may have noticed I used. Not really a crossover since I just borrowed some ideas.

I'm not a fan of soul bonds. They just seem like a very crappy, over used deus ex machina as a substitute for actual character development and growth of relationships.

Thanks again to the folks over at CaerAzkaban for their help.


End file.
